Roast My Wallet
Paste any Ethereum, Solana or EVM wallet and we’ll write you a roast based on its real on-chain history. Every line is keyed to actual transactions — swaps, gas burns, memecoin bags, 3am binges, the lot. Free, read-only, works on wallets that aren’t yours.
How the roast is generated
We pull the wallet’s public transaction history and run it through a battery of signals: total swaps, swap diversity, time-of-day distribution, portfolio concentration, dead-token count, memecoin exposure, longest silent gap, and roughly fifteen other patterns. Each signal hits a different sentence template — so the roast you get is specific to your wallet, not a generic horoscope.
The roast is funny because the data is real. You can’t argue with the chain. If your wallet has 247 swaps and 11 dust positions, the roast knows. Hide nothing.
Once you’ve enjoyed (or recovered from) the roast, the next step is the actual tax picture — the same wallet, run through HMRC’s Section 104 pooling and same-day/30-day matching, with a free preview that tells you in pounds what those 247 disposals look like.
Other free tools
See allNow do the math
The roast is the warm-up. The tax preview is the punchline. Free Section 104 calculation on the same wallet — 10 seconds, no card.
See my tax preview